The Will And The Fight
by sctwilightvampwolfgal
Summary: Al refused to give up the hope and the fight of his will to be loved. He knew that they'd love him one day if he kept up what he was supposed to. *2P!America Character Analysis/Character Study.* ***Trigger Warning for Depression, Self loathing, etc... Read at your own risk.*** **Requested by/Gifted to Sarah Put.**


Al was lost in this block of space.

May be it was an easy enough space to get out of for anyone else yet he couldn't force his way out of it.

It was a space of continuing violence, a place with out rest which was fine of course if it didn't confuse Al over who he was.

Was he the fighter that never ceased killing and bashing heads in or the kind, gentle seeming soul that could sing to soothe old wounds or at least bandage them up for another day?

Could he be both somehow?

He seriously doubted that anyone could accept both aspects of himself, so may be that's why he often felt a million miles away from his family as why should they care about the lethal son, adoptive brother, that they had raised?

He was both at times, a son and a brother.

Al refused to show signs of weakness as then he'd lose everything as his 'strength' was all that he had left.

His strength kept all of his weaknesses, doubts, and insecurities in check as if he realized them then the world would crumble; he refused to let the world crumble.

His life had turned him in to a fighter, a warrior; why should he change that?

Al watched almost absentmindedly as his stone skipped over water, sending ripples across it; may be they were ripples of change, revealing all that he was.

It was a childish dream of his for people to understand what he was going through and what he felt, so he locked it all away again as emotion would always be the world's weakness.

You either cared too much or too little; you were either pretty or ugly.

Emotions attached on to words creating new and different meanings that established an almost disorder as of a trigger spoken aloud, making the whole room react to words like murder and suicide.

He knew that they had deep meanings and could be further analyzed where they lay, but he also knew that his past was dark and shady, so therefore it could all be said that those types of words could become him as well.

It would be a lie to say that he never tried to take his own life as a country off of this planet as he had tried what felt like millions of times; he was always trying something to make his pain seem unreal and distant.

If his life couldn't end may be he should try a human's?

When that made him go back to defending all life mostly that of animals, it proves it's worthiness or lack there of.

Naturally drugs or alcohol could only do so much and the same could be said for sex; he had tried to be someone else as well through various means.

Would it be wrong to be someone such as Flavio, who had always seemed to have no care in the world or someone such as Luciano who could kill with out batting an eye or perhaps the almost hidden kind nature of Lutz?

Al could never last long in the mirror image of another as it had never worked out well for him as he grew to resent others and his own self even more.

He tried everything to rid himself of caring or to rid himself of some form of what had to be sick sadism; he couldn't do either.

Al had tried to jump on the romantic bandwagon, but no one would take him; may be for a night, nothing more.

It drove him insane and spiraled him deeper in to depression that he pretended did not exist; he was strong and therefore didn't need it.

He spent ages convincing himself otherwise even when he couldn't grasp whether he was strong or weak.

Mentally it didn't seem to matter whether he was smart or idiotic as long as he had the strength and the will to kill for those that wanted him to.

He had spent ages trying to prove himself worthy by killing and fighting for those around him in an attempt to be seen as something more than whatever they viewed him as; may be they would love him more with one more death piled high on the charts caused by himself yet they seemed to almost be disgusted and fearful of him more.

Where did he go wrong in trying to prove himself worthy after years upon years of being seen as unworthy?

He wasn't pretty nor handsome; he wasn't a genius, but he wasn't dumb either.

Al needed to prove himself somewhere, somehow, since he wasn't overwhelmingly creative nor a master chef; no one could say that he was the most intellectual nor the deepest thinker.

He viewed things more in a simplistic matter which made him less of a thinker and less of an artist, so he became a fearless killer.

May be they'd love him tomorrow for all that he did for them or they could do what he constantly told himself that they wouldn't and abandon and continuously fear him like they still appeared to do.

They'd love him eventually as Al refused to believe any differently; he just knew that his self esteem would rise again, and the love would get him there regardless of anything that seemed to stand in his way right now.

He had never been born a quitter even when he nearly managed to fully quit as he would never allow himself to be a quitter or a full blown one.

It was fine was his whispered mantra when it really wasn't as he lulled himself to sleep with his ignored hopes and dreams.


End file.
